Mornings are the worst.

Warning: This is gonna probably end up being long(ish) and rambling. Also, probably sad.

It's the 19th of July right now. In three days, I'm supposed to get on a plane and fly to Zurich, Switzerland to live with my fiance, Melanie. I was supposed to get on a plane in four days and fly to East London, South Africa to live with Samantha.

I can't do that now because she committed suicide Monday. It feels like an eternity because nothing's been the same. It was only five days ago.




I think mornings are the worst, not because I'm a morning person but because I could sit down, say hi to Sam (or skip this step if I woke up before she did), go grab a shower and then call Sam. I know a lot of you have heard me say "Hi!" before - I intentionally raise by voice an octave and sound overly excited. I almost always used to do that because it'd get her to laugh, the spontaneous sort of laugh that you knew came with a smile. I do that a lot with everyone because most of the time, it makes people smile.

Some branches of some religions say you go to hell if you commit suicide, and I think my history dealing with people who've committed suicide (this is the 4th CLOSE person that's done so that readily springs to mind) is one reason I don't subscribe to those religions. Some don't take suicide into account which isn't much comfort, since they're similar to the others. I don't know what to believe. None of it makes much sense to me. None of any of this mess makes much sense.

I want to believe she's in a better place but my brain doesn't work that way. I work on facts, not conjecture or belief. I hope she's in a better place, sometimes. Other times, I hope she's with me, helping me figure out how to get through this, how to make any kind of sense at all about it. Mostly, I just miss her... Mornings are the worst.

Nights aren't quite as bad because she always had to leave before I went to sleep - her husband was a controlling, abusive dickhead and he'd even admitted to her that he never loved her, so she always had to pretend she wasn't talking to me (on Skype, at least). He knew we talked on Venomheart, because it's a chat-based form of communication in an MMORPG, so she couldn't very well hide that, but since it was a free-to-play game, she was permitted, I guess. Usually, when he got home, though, she had to go cook dinner and eat and that kind of thing. We'd say good night and all of that and we'd talk in the morning.

We can't do that now. Mornings are the worst.

When I was trying to figure out how the two of us could do Let's Plays, I would randomly test it during our conversations. During one of them, I'd asked how she'd say good night to someone. I know I failed at trying to figure it out because only her voice was recorded. I found that mp3 and I listen to it more often than I should. She said, "Good night, my love. I hope you have sweet dreams. I'll see you in the morning when you wake up and I love you."

But that isn't true. I won't see her in the morning. I wake up every day and know that I won't see her ever again. I won't wake up, say hi, go grab a shower and then talk to her all day. I'm going to wake up and know I will never hear her laugh when I say hi. I'm not ever going to get to wake up and say hi to her like that in person. I won't ever get to say it in South Africa to her face when I get back from the store or the beach or wherever. That's why mornings are the worst.