I'm in a foul mood. I'm talking to a few people (of both genders) who would, supposedly, walk to the ends of the earth to make me happy, but there's always conditions.
First, I'm going with genders. The further down you scroll, the more likely it is I'm going to single you out, if you're one of the people on my shit list.
Women: If you want to tell me how much you think I'm cute, sexy, intelligent, charming, witty or whatever, and tell me how much I mean to you, and how much you want me to be happy, and most importantly, how much you'd give to help me out, don't say that shit if the conditions include me getting together with you. I'm not made of money, and I have no intention of making hundreds of thousands of dollars with my writing. I may be talented in quite a few ways, but that doesn't mean those skills are particularly marketable without some kind of training. As much fun as I have talking to you, odds are slim I'm not going to try to reach for my goals, and odds are, if I've made them before I met you, they don't include you in the long run. I'll chat, I'll flirt, I'll talk, I'll help you as I can with whatever you're having problems with, but god help me, I'm not about to change my life, or the way I am, my habits and my goals for you. If you want to help me with them, I'm not going to say no, and I'll do what I can to repay the favor, but don't make offers with conditions. Those aren't offers, those are deals.
Men: If you think I'm cool to hang out with, and like talking to me, and want to poke my brain or get my opinion, go for it. That doesn't mean I owe you anything - stop asking. I've spent more than enough time and energy stroking your ego and trying to make you laugh and helping you figure out how to deal with problems when I could have been doing something else entirely... Probably something that could have been helping myself, instead of pissing my time away on you. Chief among the issues I've got with you is the ignorance you've got for the "Bros before Ho's" philosophy. Got a problem with a girl, and I invariably hear about it. Sometimes, you just want a soundboard, sometimes you want advice, sometimes you want both. As soon as you get it, and (usually, if you follow my advice) things work out for the better, you disappear with your bitch (who, frankly, you don't deserve, because it's usually you that fucked up, pinhead). Meanwhile, I'm struggling with my own shit, and you're too busy kissing some bitch's ass because you fucked up and I gave you a step-by-step instruction manual on how to climb out of the hole you dug yourself. Seriously - you couldn't turn around and plug a book or two? Too busy to send my shit out to people who may have contacts in the publishing industry, or have an artistic talent (or artistic friend) you can call a favor for? No. You're going to blow me off until you fuck up again. Thanks, assholes.
Everybody: Knock your shit off. I'm just as important as you, helping you with your problems and troubles and anything else you need help with, so start fucking acting like it. If you want to help me, do it for actually altruistic reasons - not because you think you can get something from me later (advice, for the men, or ME for the women). If you can't handle the fact that my plans probably don't involve you, go away - it's that simple. At least then, I'll know you're an actual friend.
Cl: Seriously, you've been treading water for a while. All you've managed to do is talk to people and "get the ball rolling" before it came to a stop and you sat down for a break. It's been a long damn break, and you're never going to do what you should have done before you even fucking TALKED to me. Now, all of a sudden, you're going to show back up and tell me how horrible your life is, and as soon as I break the harsh truth that, no, we're probably not ever going to meet at all anytime in the near future, you've gotta go, despite the fact I showed genuine concern about your well-being? Piss the hell off.
Je: So you want me to move in until I can get my passport and visa? Funny how true that is when your husband's not around. If he's around, you'll conceal my existence as best you can, but when the cat's away, the mouse will play... Great, you burned a marriage certificate. If it were that easy, I'd have had a divorce YEARS ago. If you're not going to leave, or throw his ass out, or at least make it crystal fucking clear that your husband's not going to go with you, what in the fuck are you doing? Toying with a fantasy? Knock it the fuck off. I'm not some figment of your imagination, here to fantasize about when your dickwad of a husband is away.
Re: I'm not angry at you - I'm disappointed. Your life isn't your own. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and you're either unable or unwilling to make a move that could do your life a world of good. There are plenty of reasons to stay where you are, but they're not valid, and they're more excuses than anything - you have many more reasons to get up and get out, start doing your own thing while you still have a chance. We both know the line - "Get busy living or get busy dying." Either roll over and play dead or stand up and bite back... Otherwise, I'm going to get bored and finally accept the fact that your life isn't yours, it's your mother's, and I may as well just take a wild (and frighteningly accurate) "guess" of how the rest of your life is going to go before I tip out the door.
Su: Take the note to "Re" as your own, and stop leaning on crutches she doesn't even have.
St: You can suck a bag of dicks, choke on the biggest one and die in a fire twice in the hottest corner of the darkest part of the lowest layer of hell, right after you take a flying fucking leap off the tallest cliff into the sharpest rocks on the planet. I used to carry a torch for you, and now, you're miserable enough to show up and want my attention. Deja fucking vu... Reminds me of a few years ago. If you want to show up and play with my brain again, do us both a favor and don't. I'm happy where I am, so unless your motives for showing up are altruistic, don't bother sticking around, because I don't want to sit here and wonder what could have been while I'm trying to focus on what I'm trying to make a great future.
E: You're not around enough for me to yell at, which is probably a good thing, because I spent way too many years chasing after you, only for you to shun me for a superficial reason.
Je: I don't even know where to begin with you. It's probably a good thing I'm fading into your memory. Don't take this as a reason to change that.
... Well, I feel better. To everyone... Yes, I usually do like talking (or flirting, or helping, or just chilling), but if it's for any other reason besides friendship (or mutual backscratching, in some cases), you'd better start putting a distance between us, because next time, I won't be nice.
I will end you without doing much more besides sitting behind a keyboard.
You've been warned.
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